Sassy Way To GOH

Do Not Press Send

2011-12-10T10:18:00.001-08:00

By now, you've likely read the email "Mike", the New York investment banker, sent to poor "Lauren", a classical-music-loving single lady in the jungle of Manhattan. If not, get a glass of something good and settle in to read the 1,600+ word, cringe-inducing missive poor Mike sent. Really. We'll wait.

Rather incredible, no?

I'm sure we've all received a similar communication. A pissy text, sad-sack voicemail, or an electronic diatribe about what you're missing out and why. More often than not, we don't reply...because, clearly, we didn't ever want to see or speak to the gent ever again, which is why we didn't respond in the first place. Or we send back a simple response, which is typically a more polite version of "Wow."

The odd thing is, when women don't respond -- don't return that call, that email or text -- it's our seemingly kind way of saying, "Thanks, but I'm just not interested." BUT, when men don't call, reply or text back, they clearly have fallen off the planet, are being held hostage in some glamorous foreign country (in a tuxedo, no less), lost his phone, is in a coma in a hospital brewing a nasty case of amnesia, or is scared of feeling something so real.

Kind of see where I'm going here? For those who still think that there's a rather dramatic/romantic reason he didn't call, it's just his seemingly kind way of saying, "Thanks, but I'm just not interested." Sure, that stings, especially if you felt there was chemistry and really thought his last name sounded good going after yours. It's a great, big, juicy bummer to think there's potential and find out there's not. Just don't make it worse by pressing SEND. Because you certainly don't want your 1,600+ word, cringe-inducing missive hitting the internet and going viral.

xo

Single Bells

2011-12-02T20:13:00.001-08:00

The full statistics aren't in, but I think anecdotal evidence proves that we are deep into breakup season. Between Halloween and Valentine's Day, you see more Facebook relationship status changes than any other time of year. Tis the season for "Single".

There's a great deal of pressure that couples can face during the holidays. From selecting symbiotic costumes for All Hallow's Eve, to meeting the parents at Thanksgiving, bickering over which family to spend what holiday with, what coast in ring in the New Year, whether to take the relationship to the "next level" or not.

This, my friends, is why people spike the egg nog.

You might very well survive the holidays, just you and your special other. Enjoying the season and all the pleasures it brings. That is until December 26th, when all of your friends and co-workers want to know if you found a rock in your stocking, examining your left hand for a ring. Suddenly, you start to wonder if your relationship is heading in the right direction. Because, clearly, everyone else was expecting him to propose. By New Year's Eve, you're in a cranky mood because he only asked for your hand to the dance floor, not forever more. By February 15th, you're miserable because he still hasn't proposed, asked you to move in or even given you a key to his place.

It's almost inconsequential if you've been dating for five weeks or five years. There's just a lot of expectations -- whether by you or others -- about what will happen to your relationship during this time of year.

My advice? Relax a little. Avoid big relationship "talks" until the pressures of the season have passed. Somewhere between Epiphany and the SuperBowl, sit down and have a chat if needed. Sometimes these things work themselves out on their own, or look a little different outside of the tinsel haze.

But what if you end up in a breakup?

Well, the upside is, you're surrounded by sugar and spiked nog -- and, hopefully, lots of people who love you. And, if the relationship wasn't going to make it for the long-haul, at least now you know. Better to ring in the New Year knowing the truth than dragging it out any longer. That's not to say your breakup isn't a total suckfest during "the most wonderful time of the year." It is. There's no getting around it.

But, you can make sure not to make it any worse but quickly vowing to follow the Ground Rules and the 10 Steps to Getting Over Him. Because, as Step 3 states: "Don't Honor Your Relationship With Pain". You don't need to hurt like hell just to prove your were really in love. There's no merit badge for that. Because, when you really, really, really think about what you are sad for, it's probably not him so much as it is him and all the broken hearts that came before. What you are really experiencing is disappointment for yourself and what you hope to have, not the devastation of the end of that particular relationship. So, mourn that, then move on. Let it go as soon as you can. Because there's a New Year coming, a clean slate, a new page. You now have the chance to find the right relationship, a really great person you can share your life with. But you'll never find it if you keep looking back.

Enjoy the season as best you can. Keep the sugar and spiked nog consumption in moderation. And have A Christmas Story and Bad Santa playing on a loop. You're going to be just fine.

The Other Breakup

2011-10-02T12:28:00.000-07:00

They say that if you change one thing, you change everything. If only. But, sometimes, when your life goes through a major upheaval -- or even a graceful shift -- you notice that friendships break, or simply fade away.

Friendships are relationships. I know. I like to state the obvious sometimes. But I think it's easy to forget that. We don't always have the clear ups-and-downs in friendships that we do in romantic relationships. Could you imagine talking to your BFF like you do your BF? Exactly. Friendships are typically a little different in tone, a little more slack is given, fewer arguments occur, and the endings are sometimes very quiet. That, however, doesn't make it any less confusing, frustrating or painful.

I mean, do you really bother with the "it's over" breakup conversation with a friend? Probably not. And, if you do/have done it, bravo to you! You are an official grownup. But, often times, friends don't want to hear what you might find problematic in your relationship. There are talk-to-the-hand gestures or tears or "Oh, yeah. What about you?" comebacks. I've been surprised that, when bringing up a questionable act with a good friend, I got all of the above before the simple matter was resolved. Perhaps it was the margaritas. I'm not sure.

I suppose that's not much different than fighting with your S.O. But, somehow, it seems a little more challenging confronting a friend than saying (with hands on hips), "Honey, seriously, seat and lid down."

Friendship issues can arise when a breakup occurs, or a new love enters your (or your friend's) life. When there's a new job, or the loss of an old one. Gain weight, lose weight, anything that shakes the norm. Sometimes, it's just a blip. Others, it's the end of a longtime friendship that, somehow, was able to survive bigger deals, but collapsed under the weight of something seemingly banal.

What to do?

Well, if you can have a conversation about it, please do. It's not always easy. You might be ready to talk but they aren't, or vice versa. Don't force it if it isn't going to happen, but do give it a shot. Avoid the texts and emails that are too easily taken the wrong way or out of context. No passive-aggressive Facebook updates or thinly-veiled tweets. We are grownups, after all. Set a face-to-face and be prepared to listen as much as you want to talk.

If there's not a shot at reconciliation, be gracious. You don't want mutual friends to have to choose sides (even if, deep down, you do). Keep your upset and judgments to a minimum. After all, you never know when the ice will thaw and the friendship will blossom again. That's easier to have happen if you keep yourself open.

Some friendships, though, simply aren't healthy. They hurt and hold you back. Those you should simply bid a fond farewell to, or at least keep in perspective. No matter how long you've been friends with that person, if they aren't helping you grow and move forward -- preferring to hinder and harangue -- end it. You know the kind: they insult you with a smile, accuse you of being overly sensitive and point out your every flaw. Not that we don't need people in our lives to give us reality checks from time to time, but, really, we don't need a constant critic, either.

There's another old saying: Friends come to you for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I think that's true. Friendships should always be appreciated for what they are as well as the gifts or lessons they bring with them.

Much like any relationship.

Public Displays

2010-03-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

[Author's Note: Yes, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Apologies. It's a challenge managing all of my responsibilities and commitments. There's a little more going on on the Facebook page. Hope you'll tune in there, too.]

Ending a relationship is hard enough. Imagine doing it in public, with the press hounding you, your privacy invaded, your most personal pain made public. You wouldn't want that for yourself, would you? But, do you encourage that kind of coverage by purchasing the tabloid magazines and visiting the gossip sites? These are guilty pleasures we all surely indulge in from time to time (even if it's an innocent page peep at the salon). But why are we so fascinated with celebrity relationships? Are they educational or simply escapist? Do you find yourself comparing or compassionate when watching a relationship unravel? There's a reason why we are curious about these things, and your reason would likely be different than mine or hers or his. But I think it is interesting to ask yourself (and your friends) why we want to witness this.

The most recent ending splashing the pages came as quite a shock to all of us. One minute, she is winning awards and thanking her man. The next, she is moving out, and his alleged mistress is all over the internet. And what might be the worst part (at least for us watching from our computer screens or magazines), is that we have been there (or, at least I have): The minute you let down your guard and declare yourself vulnerable, the rug is pulled out from beneath you in the most public way. You find yourself repeating, "I knew it!" and "Never again!" You feel both egg and tears running down your face. And you find that wall going back up, brick by brick and retrofitted to make sure it won't be shaken down so easily again.

[Another Author's Note: No, I won't be naming celebrity names here. I wouldn't feel right getting a hit from someone Googling one of them. It's the same reason I won't send the book to a celebrity going through a break up. "That would be great marketing," a friend once enthused. "Imagine if they were photographed with it!" Attempting to profit from someone else's pain isn't my idea of good business. Or good karma, for that matter.]

Then there's the debate over a certain "curse". Win a prestigious award, achieve acclaim and success and, if you are a woman, your relationship will soon be doomed. Does anyone else find that utterly infuriating? The media seem to be warning women, "Do you want career success or relationship success? Because, sister, you can't have both." That's such a load of crap, and it comes off as something of a threat. Be careful, or it could happen to you. Please. Relationships are complicated. Yes, they can be affected by careers (his or hers...or hers or hers, or his or his), but they can also be complicated by children, changing interests, financial shifts, and personal weaknesses. If relationships were easy, we'd all live happily ever after.

But let's talk about other types of public displays, and that's taking your breakup to the people: friends, family, co-workers, etc. Do you want folks to choose sides (or, worse, do you ask them to)? Do you air dirty laundry that makes your former better half look worse? Have you made a scene when you see your ex in public? I'm not judging. I think we've all done one of the above at least once (even if it were simply secretly hoping your ex ended up friendless for treating you so poorly), and, probably at least once, an ex brought your private business public. But that's the kind of exposure no one really needs, nor should we desire it. What purpose does it serve? I can't think that those types of public displays would really make anyone feel better.

Certain things really should remain private and shared only within your closest circle. That privacy should apply even if you are a celebrity. Forget sending out a "press release". You don't need to broadcast your breakup. Don't hit Twitter to tell the world it's over. Forget about updating your Facebook status with intimate facts about your former mate. Do not press send and forward a private email or post those past texts. That's not going to help the ending get any happier. And surely that's not the kind of spotlight you want to find yourself under. Shine in another way. xo

It's Not Always That Simple

2009-07-09T15:26:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting conversation today with someone who just read the book. The issue the reader had was whether the book really applied to his situation. Yes, his. He's not the first gentleman to have read the book. Yes, even hetero men have been helped by the pretty pink guide. His critique was that it is near impossible to follow the Ground Rules if you have to split property or share custody. And that is absolutely true.

I wrote the book as a guide for single women (meaning not married) who were ending a dating relationship. Once you bring in legalities, like divorce, custody or property division, that's a whole other magilla. Outside of experiencing my parents divorce, I can't really speak of that situation with any authority, only empathy. Still, I stand by the Ground Rules, no matter what the breakup might bring. While you may have to talk to make arrangements for the kids, the pets or the assets, that doesn't mean you have to discuss the relationship or your feelings for each other. You can still (politely) avoid those calls, emails and conversations. All you have to say is, "I need some time and space before I can really talk to you about that." Then let him (or her) know that you'd like at least thirty days, or whatever it is that will work for your situation (aim for the thirty, though). The idea is to separate yourself from the relationship and the breakup pain so that you can get perspective. That's not easy if you have to deal with each other on a daily basis, but you can try to implement the steps as much as you can, as best as you can, so you are able to get over the relationship as quickly, happily and healthily as possible.

Only

2009-02-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

I did my first radio interview today. It was kind of a cheat because it was with a friend. It was her chat show and we ate up forty-five minutes of gabbing about relationships and breakups and what we've learned.

We went through each of the book's ten steps. Number four is "Don't Pick the Scab". I realize that's a little on the gross side for some, but I named it that to make a point. When you pick the scab, the wound doesn't heal. It will bleed. Become infected. It will scar. If you keep poking at your broken heart or bruised ego, it will remain tender. So, leave it alone. Let it heal.

While we were talking about step four, the Nine Inch Nails song, "Only" popped into my head. "Only" is probably one of the best "Get Over Him" songs ever written. Yes, even though it was written and is sung by a man. Trent gets it. [Full disclosure: I'm a huge Reznor fan, and think NIN is ear porn.]

Now, I think we all have a go-to breakup song. Don't we? This one's mine. There's one set of lyrics in particular that fit step four:

I just couldn't leave it alone
I kept picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Your broken heart/bruised ego is that door. It wants to close. We keep prying it open, don't we?

There's another part of the song I particularly appreciate:

Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked
Yes it did!

I love those lyrics because we tend to create a version of the guy or the relationship that is closer to perfection than reality. And we sort of do make it up to hurt ourselves/pick the scab, no? (And, yes, it does work. Maybe even a little too well.)

But then he delivers us a mantra:

There is no you
There is only me

Even stressing that point with:

There is no f%#king you
There is only me

(FYI: The best place to hear this song is at the gym, doing cardio. Hard.)

To me, this song is not so much a call to grow cold, loathe or dismiss the other person; it's just a way to keep things in perspective, which is so important when you are trying to get over him. He's not there anymore, so it is only you. And that can be a great thing. Sure, it can hurt. Being lonely blows. But the sooner you stop picking the scab and letting yourself heal, the sooner you'll be your sassy, happy self again. And, then, all things are possible.

Another "Him" to Get Over

2009-02-14T18:20:00.000-08:00

It's funny how we can be slaves to our expectations without even realizing it. We set goals, have visions for our futures. We are told this is a good thing. We are told we should not compromise. Visualize what you want and it will manifest like magic! Of course, they don't mention how long that magic might take. We end up creating these limitations -- because that's what they can end up being -- under the guise of holding out for what we "deserve".

I'm all about going for the gold, setting high goals and working hard to achieve them. I have high standards myself. Compromise is still something I'm learning to appreciate...and "appreciate" is probably too strong of a word, but you know what I mean.

While we are told this kind of uncompromising attitude is telling of a high self-regard and can lead to great success, it can totally bite us in the backside when it comes to love and relationships.

Think about it.

A few girlfriends and I have been talking about our relationships -- past, present and, perhaps, future. We have gone down the list of the men we have loved and the ones we have pushed away. And more than a few of us noted that the men who came in the most perfect packages were the ones who ended up being the most disappointing.

I looked to my own love life -- which I probably do much less than you might imagine -- and the men who came most beautifully wrapped (handsome, intelligent, great career, endless potential and good body to boot), ended up being quite controlling. These "men", who could plan a perfect evening, call when they said they would and were endlessly chivalrous, could also turn cold and moody. Looking back, I realized how many of the same unappealing traits they ended up sharing and found how truly not "perfect for me" they were.

Then there are the ones who were "flawed". Not classically good-looking. Still trying to start up the career. Lots of potential, though not fully utilizing it. Intelligent (because that is my biggest turn on). Could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I tended to stay away from anything serious with these "guys" because they weren't what I wanted, or worse, what I thought I "deserved".

I have often likened men to real estate, joking that when I was in my twenties, I thought it would be really romantic to get a "fixer-upper", turn "not much" into "really something" and make it truly "mine". In my thirties, however, I only want something "move-in ready". Then, a happily married friend of mine burst my bubble by sharing a little secret with me: "There's no such thing as 'move-in ready'."

The idea I had for a perfect man was not simply superficial or material. I mean, I wouldn't kick George Clooney out of bed for eating crackers, but I wasn't necessarily looking for a rich, handsome, chiseled-from-stone man (though, I can't say I'd kick him out of bed, either). The ideal I had spoke more of my fears than my desires. I wanted someone with a lot of security (a steady income and solid career), because my career is so not secure. I like a man who eats well and works out because it shows me he takes care of himself -- and, thus, can take care of me. I want to be taken care of, not because I want to be sitting on a sofa eating truffles and watching 'Oprah', but because I want to feel safe. It sounds like a smart plan at first, but if this "ideal" is used to stringently, you can lose sight of a guy who could be perfect for you.

So, I suppose the one guy we really need to get over is our vision of the perfect "him". "He" can stand in our way more than any other man. I'm not saying lower your standards. I'm suggesting that we should keep our eyes, our minds and our hearts open. Love isn't perfect. That we know. So, looking for that perfect man may very well be futile. Ask a friend who has found her perfect match and you may be surprised to hear her say, "I never thought I would fall in love with a man like him. But, I'm so glad I did."

Happy Valentine's Day, my friends. xo

The Bigger Question

2008-12-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

The question is always Why?

Why did it end?

Why couldn't we make it work?

Or, if you are dealing with someone else's breakup, Why do you keep putting yourself in a position where you know you'll leave hurt?!

Case in point: A few weeks ago, my friend, "Amy", emailed me concerned she was being too hard on her friend, "Sally", who was sending Amy play-by-play messages of Sally's dramatic drag-out of a goodbye. Sally messaged Amy that she just left the guy's house in tears and knew she was an idiot for going over there but couldn't help herself because she thinks she's in love. Amy was worried that she might have been too harsh when she corrected Sally, telling her that that she was not an idiot but clearly an emotional masochist and needed to stay away from him. Amy emailed me, wanting to know what I thought of Sally's situation.

I simply wrote: She might be in love, but he's certainly not.

Was that harsh?

The bigger question is: Does it matter if one person is in love if the other doesn't reciprocate those feelings?

Really. What could be more painful? So, should one indulge or encourage those unrequited emotions? My vote would be no. I think it would it be wiser and ultimately kinder to discourage those feelings until they fade away.

I know that must sound terribly cold. After all, she's in love. But, she is in love alone. And all the love she might feel isn't making him love her back. It's only causing her pain. We've all been there, and we all know better.

Look, you can't will someone to love you. Trust me. If that were the case I would be fighting off Clooney and Pitt. And no matter how good it was or what wonderful chemistry you might have had, when you keep crying, it might be a clue that it's time to GOH. There isn't a behavior or trick or a certain amount of effort you have to employ to make a man love you. Yet, some of us still try thinking that one more conversation will change things. One more kiss. One more time in the sack. Usually, that leads to more tears rather than true love.

What do you do if you are dragged into a friend's breakup drama? Well, sometimes, in order to be a good friend, you need to just listen. Be the shoulder and the ears. However, if she keeps walking down Hearbreak Alley, you might need to be a little harsh and let her know that she's the one causing her own pain. And she can be strong enough to stop it. Then, if she's still speaking to you, take her out for a great big martini, give her your shoulder and just listen again. This time, she might start to sound like her old self.

Where Have I Heard That Before?

2008-11-12T21:25:00.000-08:00

How often, in the middle of spilling your guts to a friend, do you hear yourself repeating the same lines about this relationship -- or end of such -- that you did about the one before...and before that and before that and before that and...well, you get it. How many times do we fall into patterns that we swore we would not repeat?

I'm one who believes in karma. You know the term. We toss it around a lot, usually as a threat that it's going to catch up with someone at some point (and it will). But really, karma is about cause and effect, what you put out is what you get back. Karma isn't always a hard ass. Sometimes, karma will give us a second -- or third or forth or fifty-fifth -- chance. When we find ourselves in a deja vu type situation, karma is giving us another opportunity to learn. But, each time we "revisit" the lesson, it gets a bit more painful if we aren't swift to learn it. That's why I try to pay attention and check myself when I feel karma at the chalkboard of life. I've gotten the karmic knuckle-rapping before. It isn't pleasant, let me tell you.

The great thing about going down the same road, though, is that you understand where it leads. If you know you are heading down a dark alley, you can always make a turn and go off in a different direction. And karma will likely give you a gold star for that.

So, the next time you find you're repeating yourself, stop. Check your inner GPS and see if you are heading in the direction you really want to go and not doing yet another lap around your past.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

2008-08-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

This may sound silly, but I would rather be dumped than do the breaking up. I know, it's ludicrous. But, I am terrible at doing the dumping. The guy either cries or thinks we stand another chance. Never a clean break. Always a little mess. I'm getting better at it, though. Now, they just think I'm cold just because I put the kibosh on the whole "let's still be friends" thing. Whatever.

I understand the difficulty of doing it, finding the right time and circumstance to say, "This isn't working." But, at some point you have to woman up and do it. You can't drag it out, keep telling your friends, "I think this is the week I'll end it." At a certain point, you have to pull the plug, not only for your sake, but his as well. It's the kind thing, the right thing to do. What if you were in a relationship with someone you adored and he knew there wasn't a real future for the two of you, but he kept it going because you are such a nice gal, a good person, and, while there's nothing wrong with you, he just doesn't see the two of you making it in the long run...how would you feel if he dragged it out a month or three or twelve or thirty? You deserve to find the right person for you, and so does he. So, eat your spinach, take a multi-vitamin, have an extra shot of espresso in your latte -- whatever it takes to get your courage up to say, "Babe, we need to talk."

When to Give and When to GOH

2008-08-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

I don't like to make excuses for people. Especially someone I'm dating. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives, and sometimes that means accepting the person or situation for what it is. That's easy to do when things are going your way. Not so much when they aren't.

Women are lucky because we can use both sides of our brains pretty much at the same time. We can figure something out in an instant. Generally, we know what we want, how we want it, how easy it is to have that happen. Then, we introduce a man into the situation, and all our plans hit the skids.

It's not the man's fault. They are an unknown, unpredictable entity. Yet, we want to be able to predict them. Script them. Schedule them. It just doesn't work that way. We ought to know that by now. But our damn brains, working at their rapid pace, always seem to know how things should go. And get really irritated when what they've mapped out is ignored.

It's important to set boundaries, have parameters, know what you are willing to take and what you are not. It keeps you safe, keeps your self-respect intact. It can also keep you alone if those boundaries and parameters turn into hoops and hurdles you expect others to jump through or climb over. There is a give and take to be had. And the trick of it is knowing when to give and knowing when to GOH.

My favorite quote from Maya Angelou is: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." My favorite quote from Anais Nin is: "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." If you can keep both of those quotes in mind, it can help you decide if you should give or get GOH-ing.

Of course we want things on our time schedule, according to our well-crafted plans. After all, they are so brilliant and simple, and everyone wins. But, we can't expect to have others fall in line just because it makes sense to us, to be that controlling. I mean, do we want to live by someone else's clock or calendar or jump through their hoops? Sometimes we have to look outside ourselves to get a clearer picture.

There are times you need to give a man some slack. Understand there are external things that neither of you can control, be it work, school, or family issues. Sure, our egos would like to be first all the time, no matter what. But aren't there times when important people and things have to take a back seat to something else in your world? Exactly. We see things as we are. And sometimes we are a bit selfish. Hate to say it, but it's true. Slack is different than a "hold" button. You can keep moving forward with your life. He can pick up the slack and find his way back.

Of course, it's a different case if a guy isn't keeping his word, if he's making excuses for bad manners and such. To me, that's a clear sign it's time to GOH. Maya is a wise woman. When he shows you who he is, and that person isn't exactly honorable, it's foolish not to let go. Cut the ties and free yourself. It might hurt, like a bad bikini wax, but it will be over just as quick and heal just as fast if you let it. Because our brains are wonderful at that. They would rather focus on something new not mull over the old.

We want to give. We are a generous species, almost to a fault. Just remember, giving is supposed to feel good. If it leaves you empty, then it must be time to GOH.

Change Your Mind

2008-07-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

There comes a point after an ending when you have to change your mind, or at least your mindset. We forget that our brain and emotions are not spoiled toddlers high on sugar. No. We actually have control over them.

There's a bit of martyrdom that comes after a breakup. Emotionally, you are the equivalent of being shrouded in black. A gloom cloud hovers over you. Stock in Kleenex goes through the roof. For a time, you are supposed to feel pretty cruddy. But, sometimes, the crud sticks. We've all seen those relationship "widows" running around. "How long ago did they breakup?" "A year ago." "Oh. Wow. How sad." Not sad that she's still bummed over the breakup, but sad she's still not over it.

We can decide to feel better. Sometimes you have to decide that every thirty seconds. But, once you start deciding to feel better, it will start to actually happen. You'll need to remind yourself less and less.

I'm not talking about burying your feelings. That's not healthy. If your sad feelings keep bubbling up, it's been a while after the ending, and it's a little more than just your breakup making you feel blue, you might want to talk to someone. And I'm not being snarky about that. Really. If you are in emotional pain and it's not easing up, see a therapist, counsellor or member of the clergy to help you through it. But, if you are in the habit of thinking about your relationship just to see if you are going to feel bad about it, then stop and decide change your mind to feel better.

Think I'm being harsh? Well, what's meaner: You letting yourself feel rotten or me suggesting you get over it? I just think you deserve better. Especially from yourself.

Step Away From The Crack!

2008-07-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

Have you watched A&E's Intervention? I think any woman falling in love or breaking up should. You get to see how crazy, sad and pathetic addicts can be. On occasion, you might catch a glimpse of what a friend (or you) looks like when talking about a relationship. Seriously. Some of the same phrases come of my friends when they are talking about a man. "If I can just talk to him (use) one more time, I'll never need to talk to him (use) again." "You don't know what it's like when it's just the two of us (when I'm high). You just don't know how good it feels." Sound at all familiar?

They say that the brain reacts to love and heroin in similar ways -- not that I could quote the doctor or study I heard that from, but it kind of makes sense, don't you think? The thoughts and feelings can become a bit of an addiction. Like an itch you can't scratch, you need another fix, some sort of contact. It becomes a form of crack. When it gets that bad, you really need to take a step back. Sure, you'll go through withdrawals, but those only last a few hours, maybe a day. Once you get your head clear, you'll feel stronger and can see things with a new perspective. Hopefully, you'll be able to go forward with a bit of balance. But, if you go right back to needing more and more, losing your control, you might want to admit you have a problem. Call a friend (sponsor) and start doing the twelve-step shuffle away from what's driving you crazy...even if it's crazy in a good way.

It's All In Your Head

2008-07-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

Why do we do it to ourselves? Why? WhyWhyWhy?

That is exactly what my friend kept asking last night over the phone. Why hasn't he called? What does that mean? What did she do wrong? When should she call him or email him or send him a text?

I did what any good friend would do and told her to knock it off.

It's early days in her burgeoning relationship. The regular communication was stalled by his trip to see family (and we all know how draining that can be) and a getaway of her own. It's not like they've not communicated at all. There have been phone calls and emails and texts (which I really think we all should avoid outside of an emergency). But it's not happening at the pace it did in the beginning. He's never not called when he said he would, only sometimes when she expected him to. And there you have it: She has been getting upset by her expectations, not his actions. Raise your hand if this has ever happened to you. Unanimous. I knew it.

My friend wanted to know, did she do something wrong? Obviously, if he's not calling when she expects him to, it must be her fault*. (I'll get to that later.)

Since she didn't insult him and there wasn't a tiff, how could she have done something wrong? Relationships aren't like chocolate soufflé. There isn't a perfect recipe or temperature setting to adhere to, and you don't have to tip-toe around them. They aren't ICU patients, either. You don't have to take their temperature or pulse every hour. They do need to breathe, though. They can suffocate easily.

It's difficult when you are stoned on excitement not to dwell on every little thing. Try to find meaning in every action or non-action. But if you end up anxiety-ridden because of it, just remember: *It's all in your head. So, knock it off. The thought process, that is. Not your noggin.