The question is always Why?
Why did it end?
Why couldn't we make it work?
Or, if you are dealing with someone else's breakup, Why do you keep putting yourself in a position where you know you'll leave hurt?!
Case in point: A few weeks ago, my friend, "Amy", emailed me concerned she was being too hard on her friend, "Sally", who was sending Amy play-by-play messages of Sally's dramatic drag-out of a goodbye. Sally messaged Amy that she just left the guy's house in tears and knew she was an idiot for going over there but couldn't help herself because she thinks she's in love. Amy was worried that she might have been too harsh when she corrected Sally, telling her that that she was not an idiot but clearly an emotional masochist and needed to stay away from him. Amy emailed me, wanting to know what I thought of Sally's situation.
I simply wrote: She might be in love, but he's certainly not.
Was that harsh?
The bigger question is: Does it matter if one person is in love if the other doesn't reciprocate those feelings?
Really. What could be more painful? So, should one indulge or encourage those unrequited emotions? My vote would be no. I think it would it be wiser and ultimately kinder to discourage those feelings until they fade away.
I know that must sound terribly cold. After all, she's in love. But, she is in love alone. And all the love she might feel isn't making him love her back. It's only causing her pain. We've all been there, and we all know better.
Look, you can't will someone to love you. Trust me. If that were the case I would be fighting off Clooney and Pitt. And no matter how good it was or what wonderful chemistry you might have had, when you keep crying, it might be a clue that it's time to GOH. There isn't a behavior or trick or a certain amount of effort you have to employ to make a man love you. Yet, some of us still try thinking that one more conversation will change things. One more kiss. One more time in the sack. Usually, that leads to more tears rather than true love.
What do you do if you are dragged into a friend's breakup drama? Well, sometimes, in order to be a good friend, you need to just listen. Be the shoulder and the ears. However, if she keeps walking down Hearbreak Alley, you might need to be a little harsh and let her know that she's the one causing her own pain. And she can be strong enough to stop it. Then, if she's still speaking to you, take her out for a great big martini, give her your shoulder and just listen again. This time, she might start to sound like her old self.
21 December 2008
12 November 2008
Where Have I Heard That Before?
How often, in the middle of spilling your guts to a friend, do you hear yourself repeating the same lines about this relationship -- or end of such -- that you did about the one before...and before that and before that and before that and...well, you get it. How many times do we fall into patterns that we swore we would not repeat?
I'm one who believes in karma. You know the term. We toss it around a lot, usually as a threat that it's going to catch up with someone at some point (and it will). But really, karma is about cause and effect, what you put out is what you get back. Karma isn't always a hard ass. Sometimes, karma will give us a second -- or third or forth or fifty-fifth -- chance. When we find ourselves in a deja vu type situation, karma is giving us another opportunity to learn. But, each time we "revisit" the lesson, it gets a bit more painful if we aren't swift to learn it. That's why I try to pay attention and check myself when I feel karma at the chalkboard of life. I've gotten the karmic knuckle-rapping before. It isn't pleasant, let me tell you.
The great thing about going down the same road, though, is that you understand where it leads. If you know you are heading down a dark alley, you can always make a turn and go off in a different direction. And karma will likely give you a gold star for that.
So, the next time you find you're repeating yourself, stop. Check your inner GPS and see if you are heading in the direction you really want to go and not doing yet another lap around your past.
I'm one who believes in karma. You know the term. We toss it around a lot, usually as a threat that it's going to catch up with someone at some point (and it will). But really, karma is about cause and effect, what you put out is what you get back. Karma isn't always a hard ass. Sometimes, karma will give us a second -- or third or forth or fifty-fifth -- chance. When we find ourselves in a deja vu type situation, karma is giving us another opportunity to learn. But, each time we "revisit" the lesson, it gets a bit more painful if we aren't swift to learn it. That's why I try to pay attention and check myself when I feel karma at the chalkboard of life. I've gotten the karmic knuckle-rapping before. It isn't pleasant, let me tell you.
The great thing about going down the same road, though, is that you understand where it leads. If you know you are heading down a dark alley, you can always make a turn and go off in a different direction. And karma will likely give you a gold star for that.
So, the next time you find you're repeating yourself, stop. Check your inner GPS and see if you are heading in the direction you really want to go and not doing yet another lap around your past.
24 August 2008
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
This may sound silly, but I would rather be dumped than do the breaking up. I know, it's ludicrous. But, I am terrible at doing the dumping. The guy either cries or thinks we stand another chance. Never a clean break. Always a little mess. I'm getting better at it, though. Now, they just think I'm cold just because I put the kibosh on the whole "let's still be friends" thing. Whatever.
I understand the difficulty of doing it, finding the right time and circumstance to say, "This isn't working." But, at some point you have to woman up and do it. You can't drag it out, keep telling your friends, "I think this is the week I'll end it." At a certain point, you have to pull the plug, not only for your sake, but his as well. It's the kind thing, the right thing to do. What if you were in a relationship with someone you adored and he knew there wasn't a real future for the two of you, but he kept it going because you are such a nice gal, a good person, and, while there's nothing wrong with you, he just doesn't see the two of you making it in the long run...how would you feel if he dragged it out a month or three or twelve or thirty? You deserve to find the right person for you, and so does he. So, eat your spinach, take a multi-vitamin, have an extra shot of espresso in your latte -- whatever it takes to get your courage up to say, "Babe, we need to talk."
I understand the difficulty of doing it, finding the right time and circumstance to say, "This isn't working." But, at some point you have to woman up and do it. You can't drag it out, keep telling your friends, "I think this is the week I'll end it." At a certain point, you have to pull the plug, not only for your sake, but his as well. It's the kind thing, the right thing to do. What if you were in a relationship with someone you adored and he knew there wasn't a real future for the two of you, but he kept it going because you are such a nice gal, a good person, and, while there's nothing wrong with you, he just doesn't see the two of you making it in the long run...how would you feel if he dragged it out a month or three or twelve or thirty? You deserve to find the right person for you, and so does he. So, eat your spinach, take a multi-vitamin, have an extra shot of espresso in your latte -- whatever it takes to get your courage up to say, "Babe, we need to talk."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)