Public Displays

[Author's Note: Yes, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. Apologies. It's a challenge managing all of my responsibilities and commitments. There's a little more going on on the Facebook page. Hope you'll tune in there, too.]

Ending a relationship is hard enough. Imagine doing it in public, with the press hounding you, your privacy invaded, your most personal pain made public. You wouldn't want that for yourself, would you? But, do you encourage that kind of coverage by purchasing the tabloid magazines and visiting the gossip sites? These are guilty pleasures we all surely indulge in from time to time (even if it's an innocent page peep at the salon). But why are we so fascinated with celebrity relationships? Are they educational or simply escapist? Do you find yourself comparing or compassionate when watching a relationship unravel? There's a reason why we are curious about these things, and your reason would likely be different than mine or hers or his. But I think it is interesting to ask yourself (and your friends) why we want to witness this.

The most recent ending splashing the pages came as quite a shock to all of us. One minute, she is winning awards and thanking her man. The next, she is moving out, and his alleged mistress is all over the internet. And what might be the worst part (at least for us watching from our computer screens or magazines), is that we have been there (or, at least I have): The minute you let down your guard and declare yourself vulnerable, the rug is pulled out from beneath you in the most public way. You find yourself repeating, "I knew it!" and "Never again!" You feel both egg and tears running down your face. And you find that wall going back up, brick by brick and retrofitted to make sure it won't be shaken down so easily again.

[Another Author's Note: No, I won't be naming celebrity names here. I wouldn't feel right getting a hit from someone Googling one of them. It's the same reason I won't send the book to a celebrity going through a break up. "That would be great marketing," a friend once enthused. "Imagine if they were photographed with it!" Attempting to profit from someone else's pain isn't my idea of good business. Or good karma, for that matter.]

Then there's the debate over a certain "curse". Win a prestigious award, achieve acclaim and success and, if you are a woman, your relationship will soon be doomed. Does anyone else find that utterly infuriating? The media seem to be warning women, "Do you want career success or relationship success? Because, sister, you can't have both." That's such a load of crap, and it comes off as something of a threat. Be careful, or it could happen to you. Please. Relationships are complicated. Yes, they can be affected by careers (his or hers...or hers or hers, or his or his), but they can also be complicated by children, changing interests, financial shifts, and personal weaknesses. If relationships were easy, we'd all live happily ever after.

But let's talk about other types of public displays, and that's taking your breakup to the people: friends, family, co-workers, etc. Do you want folks to choose sides (or, worse, do you ask them to)? Do you air dirty laundry that makes your former better half look worse? Have you made a scene when you see your ex in public? I'm not judging. I think we've all done one of the above at least once (even if it were simply secretly hoping your ex ended up friendless for treating you so poorly), and, probably at least once, an ex brought your private business public. But that's the kind of exposure no one really needs, nor should we desire it. What purpose does it serve? I can't think that those types of public displays would really make anyone feel better.

Certain things really should remain private and shared only within your closest circle. That privacy should apply even if you are a celebrity. Forget sending out a "press release". You don't need to broadcast your breakup. Don't hit Twitter to tell the world it's over. Forget about updating your Facebook status with intimate facts about your former mate. Do not press send and forward a private email or post those past texts. That's not going to help the ending get any happier. And surely that's not the kind of spotlight you want to find yourself under. Shine in another way. xo

It's Not Always That Simple

I had an interesting conversation today with someone who just read the book. The issue the reader had was whether the book really applied to his situation. Yes, his. He's not the first gentleman to have read the book. Yes, even hetero men have been helped by the pretty pink guide. His critique was that it is near impossible to follow the Ground Rules if you have to split property or share custody. And that is absolutely true.

I wrote the book as a guide for single women (meaning not married) who were ending a dating relationship. Once you bring in legalities, like divorce, custody or property division, that's a whole other magilla. Outside of experiencing my parents divorce, I can't really speak of that situation with any authority, only empathy. Still, I stand by the Ground Rules, no matter what the breakup might bring. While you may have to talk to make arrangements for the kids, the pets or the assets, that doesn't mean you have to discuss the relationship or your feelings for each other. You can still (politely) avoid those calls, emails and conversations. All you have to say is, "I need some time and space before I can really talk to you about that." Then let him (or her) know that you'd like at least thirty days, or whatever it is that will work for your situation (aim for the thirty, though). The idea is to separate yourself from the relationship and the breakup pain so that you can get perspective. That's not easy if you have to deal with each other on a daily basis, but you can try to implement the steps as much as you can, as best as you can, so you are able to get over the relationship as quickly, happily and healthily as possible.

Only

I did my first radio interview today. It was kind of a cheat because it was with a friend. It was her chat show and we ate up forty-five minutes of gabbing about relationships and breakups and what we've learned.

We went through each of the book's ten steps. Number four is "Don't Pick the Scab". I realize that's a little on the gross side for some, but I named it that to make a point. When you pick the scab, the wound doesn't heal. It will bleed. Become infected. It will scar. If you keep poking at your broken heart or bruised ego, it will remain tender. So, leave it alone. Let it heal.

While we were talking about step four, the Nine Inch Nails song, "Only" popped into my head. "Only" is probably one of the best "Get Over Him" songs ever written. Yes, even though it was written and is sung by a man. Trent gets it. [Full disclosure: I'm a huge Reznor fan, and think NIN is ear porn.]

Now, I think we all have a go-to breakup song. Don't we? This one's mine. There's one set of lyrics in particular that fit step four:

I just couldn't leave it alone

I kept picking at that scab

It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut

But I climbed through

Your broken heart/bruised ego is that door. It wants to close. We keep prying it open, don't we?

There's another part of the song I particularly appreciate:

Because you were never really real to begin with

I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked

Yes it did!

I love those lyrics because we tend to create a version of the guy or the relationship that is closer to perfection than reality. And we sort of do make it up to hurt ourselves/pick the scab, no? (And, yes, it does work. Maybe even a little too well.)

But then he delivers us a mantra:

There is no you

There is only me

Even stressing that point with:

There is no f%#king you

There is only me

(FYI: The best place to hear this song is at the gym, doing cardio. Hard.)

To me, this song is not so much a call to grow cold, loathe or dismiss the other person; it's just a way to keep things in perspective, which is so important when you are trying to get over him. He's not there anymore, so it is only you. And that can be a great thing. Sure, it can hurt. Being lonely blows. But the sooner you stop picking the scab and letting yourself heal, the sooner you'll be your sassy, happy self again. And, then, all things are possible.